Unfortunately due to the passing of my Grandmother yesterday morning there will be a short hiatus on postings. I am flying out to America for the funeral and it is unlikely I will be able to post anything whilst I am away.
Joe
Waiting at the door for the postman to come by I got to reading a menu for a local takeaway. Wanting to avoid another disaster I decided to rip up the menu and throw it away. Wanting to be environmentally friendly I threw it out into a pile of leaves in the driveway of my house to decompose; I feel that giving it back to the earth is the kindest thing to do. Nowadays I am always littering when something is biodegradable. I couldn’t tell you the last time I put an apple core or banana skin in a bin, I simply throw them out of the window towards the nearest patch of grass.
Once my post was delivered I set about discarding of the envelope in the best way possible. I made it into a paper airplane and threw it onto the patch of grass over the road. I figured the energy saved by using the wind compared to me getting up and walking over the road was the most environmentally friendly way to dispose of it. Do you know of a better way?
I do have a concern though, is putting paper back into the soil to decompose a form of cannibalism for trees? I mean, the trees suck nutrients out of the soil, the paper will decompose into the soil and ergo the tree is eating itself. I guess it is the lesser of two evils really, feed a tree vs. make a big fire in a metal bin. Making a fire is good fun but is unfortunately illegal especially when I like to use the opportunity to burn evidence of other crimes I commit (two wrongs make a right!). I don’t want to get my collar felt by the plod so throwing the paper away into the grass is probably the best.
What do I mean by the good fortune? I am saving the planet singlehandedly by returning my rubbish to where it came from. THE EARTH.
The football yesterday was pure ecstacy. The match wasn’t vintage although we did dominate possession and win which is what was important. The greatest thing was the fans. The atmosphere was absolutely incredible, non stop wall of noise willing the players on which will have made all the difference, I could really see how much it meant to the players to win that match. The belief around the club is slowly but surely growing and with a semi-final against United looming it means a hell of a lot more as I truly think we will win.
I have already booked my train tickets to and from London, I have arranged to stay with some friends so I am very excited about it all. 4 days in London gettting pissed up then watching City get into the cup final. I still expect us to lose to Bolton / Stoke though as that is typical City! Hopefully we have more or less erased “typical City” from the club in the past few months.
The way we played yesterday wasn’t the most pleasing to all. Although we absolutely dominated the entire match we lacked a cutting edge in the final third. We are very much missing Adam Johnson and I would love him to be fit for the semi- final although I think it might come a few weeks too soon for him. Either way we need to be able to break down teams a lot better than we do right now which I think will come in time as we get more used to playing against teams who put 10 behind the ball.
Enough mindless rambling, I am so excited about the match though. We need to make sure we can sure up 3rd and also recover in the Europa League first though! Great time to be a blue!
The match today is one of incredible importance – win and we are at Wembley. The result in the week was a big disappointment as we played well below par in difficult conditions, but credit to Kyiv who played very well and deserved to win. We simply must win today though as the psychological impact it would have upon the club and supporters would be huge.
Our attendances have been poor in the cup competitions this season (and for quite a few anyway) and I can put the ultimate reason down to that our fans do not expect us to reach cup finals so do not bother to go. Over the road at United the only way to get cup final tickets is to attend every round up to the final but they also reach cup finals with reckless abandon – our last one was 1981! Reaching Wembley or at least a final and then if we won it would change the whole attitude towards the FA Cup. People would realise we could win it and would want to go to watch the team on march to the final. It would awaken people too lazy or cynical to come out in the earlier rounds thats for sure.
The match today though; what do I expect? Nothing short of a convincing win. The first 20 minutes will be fast paced as Reading will come out of the blocks full speed so keeping it tight is incredibly important until we can open up the game and take them apart. Hopefully Michael Johnson will be on the bench and get a half hour run out at 2 or 3 nil (in our favour!). After being benched midweek Tevez will surely start as will De Jong. We have massively missed De Jong in the middle the past few weeks. Against Wigan and Fulham especially we had incredible trouble keeping the ball and then when we lost it, getting it back. De Jong would have solved that problem for us completely. He is world class.
Right, I am off to get ready – drinks in town beckon! Come on City!
… Or so it should be. On the way back from the pub last night after a pint or two I swung by a local takeaway to get some chips and a burger. I wasn’t expecting Michelin starred food but I was rather disappointed with the quality of the burger. It was burnt, and I don’t mean the good charcoaled effect you get from a bbq or grill but the burnt effect you get from cooking it like an idiot.
It is not hard to cook a burger. I love making them from mince, resting them in the fridge for a little bit then blasting them on a hot griddle pan. Delicious! The burger I got from the takeaway was only a thin little 1/4 pounder but most of it was ruined. Unfortunately I didn’t have a chance to complain because I took it away and ate it when I got home. As Ramsay would say with a leather faced frown “Damn”.
There is a lesson in this story though kids. I shall never again go back to that takeaway. What a way to ruin a night! Fortunately I had some Seinfeld to watch – the first DVD of Season Six. Got to love some Seinfeld, it’s probably my favourite show of all time. Can’t get enough of that hipster doofus Kramer!
I love the shop “The Works” – selling cheap and cheerful books about all sorts of rubbish, terrible documentary DVD’s and cheap celebrity calendars from last year. However I went in today with a different purpose which was to buy some art supplies. Why you ask? Well I plan to become a part time artist! Oh yes, me an artist!
Now before you get too excited it should be mentioned that I am a quite terrible artist at this moment in time. My drawings belong in a shredder as opposed to a gallery but I will be teaching myself to be the next great artist. I am a great writer so why can’t I transfer that to art? I cannot think of a reason why not.
The art supplies I got were: A3 sketch pad, 6 art pencils of the HB, B. 2B etc variety, a sharpener and a rubber. I could probably get away with one pencil but I want more flexibility and to look much cooler when I am doing my sketches and drawings. I’m avoiding coloured pencils for now because I am colour-blind and will just ruin my wonderful works of art with some awful colour choices.
Next time Pete is over I will be sketching that little tyke (he raided my housemates chicken the other night!) and if I find a nice warm day I will be off out exploring and drawing, recreating the world on paper through my own eyes. Cosmic.
Like the Concrete Blonde song it was a long time ago that I last had a haircut. Late October if I remember correctly which in hair terms is centuries. I would usually have a hair cut every month, what has happened eh? Suppose it has just been cold out and longer hair protects the old cranium from the lower temperatures – we do lose the most body heat out of the head after all!
The realisation that a cut was long overdue was last week, I was walking along the street struggling to see due to my ridiculously long hair getting in my eyes and that is when I knew a change was needed. I arrived home and completely forgot to book a haircut. After a shower a few days later and having spent 20 minutes blow-drying my hair I remembered that a haircut was long overdue.
I picked up the phone and made the most important phone call I would make all week. At 1540 that day my hair would be cut, the purgatory of hair which was too long would be over.
The time came and my haircut arrived. I actually quite enjoy getting my haircut, free coffee, small talk and the satisfaction of walking out with a head that feels about a kilo lighter. I also get a student discount which is a nice plus! Very pleased with my haircut I left with a real feeling of satisfaction. Walking back to the bus I stopped off through the market to see if there was any meat or fish I fancied buying. I ended up getting four scallops, a whole red snapper and two breasts of duck. Spending a little more than I would hope I went home and planned how I would cook the mothers I had just spent my hard earned money on.
The story of the cooking of those is for another day however.
Buying a new TV is always exciting. It is even more exciting when you aren’t the one buying the TV but going along to pick it up and then freely enjoy the fruits and delights that a spanking new TV brings. This was my day and this is my story:
An early start was had, woken up by housemate at approximately 9am. We needed to travel to Liverpool to pick up the TV and we set off at full speed in his Mini. I don’t think a single speed limit was observed the entire trip such was his eagerness to get there and buy his new TV. We arrived at the store and he made us run (!) to the pick up area of the store so he could get his new TV. When it came to paying for it he couldn’t find his wallet. Unbeknownst to him I had pickpocketed it from him a few minutes earlier to mess with his head and to also pay homage to the city I was in.
Cue panic. A look of utter despair, the colour drained from his face. He was “sure he had it when he left”. I feigned concern and said “guess we will have to go back for it”, “yeah” he replied. Then I said “oh, what’s this?” and magically pulled the wallet from my briefcase to the greatest sigh of relief I had ever heard. He paid and we carried the behemoth back to the car.
Before we drove off home I was told that due to the “stunt I pulled back there” that I was lucky to be getting a lift back at all. I replied with a “fuck off Dad” which seemed to do the trick and set off home driving at an even greater speed than the way there. Fortunately the motorway was empty and we were able to break 100 a couple of times for a laugh as music blasted out of the open windows. It was like flying on a magic carpet.
The TV is home and safe now and is bloody awesome. Robbers if you are reading this; please don’t come and rob it. I love having it at my house!
My bank are not happy with me and I am not happy with them. Apparently a loan I took out a few years back hasn’t been paid off properly and I’m now in more debt to them than I was when I took out the loan. I went into the bank to contest this and was met with all sorts of problems. But am I in the wrong? Here is my story:
I took out a loan of £5,000 to buy some equipment for a short film I was making (Video camera, two Ford Escorts for stunts, money for extras, raw chicken), at the time they were more than happy to give me money for my “production business”. When my blockbuster went into development purgatory I spent the money kitting myself out in some nice clothes from the local boutique including silk boxer shorts and a pair of snakeskin gloves. The money was given to me so why shouldn’t I spend it? The understanding with the bank was that the money would be paid back when my film was made and been successful.
Now, several years later they are getting incredibly inpatient with me making demands and threats and all other sorts of scary things (destruction of credit rating?????) In my meeting with the bank manager I explained my story and she said “I don’t believe you:”, her stooge next to me called what I told told them “a sack of shit”. My jaw hit the floor when confronted with this rudeness! And I decided I wasn’t going to take it anymore.
If they want their money back they can sure as well have it. I don’t have it though. I spent it as described above! I have offered to surrender my boxer shorts to them and settle the debt that way but they have refused and are now planning to take me to court over this. They say I now owe £11,673. Yeah right, from £5,000 to that? Gimmie a break!
I do have a plan to get out of this though – I will kill them with kindness! I have made some soup and am taking it down there as a peace offering. I think that gestures like this should get me off the debt and avoid the courts.
[update]
The bastards told me that although my soup was “phenomenal” they won’t be writing off my debt as a result of it. Time for plan B.
What is plan B you say? I will be flushing sulpher down the toilets in the bank making it smell really, really bad. I will also deposit a fish into the cheque deposit box and stealing all of the pens in the bank bringing their business grinding to a halt. If they won’t be fair, then neither will I.
I admit it, I hate dentists. Not because I’m scared of going but simply because being a dentist is the easiest of all medical professions. They are paid incredibly well for work which is so, so very easy to do. To prove this I have founded a small dental practice in the basement of my house offering a variety of dental services for much cheaper than one could get on the NHS or privately. Endorsed by GashPharms everywhere!
Below is a list of my services and prices:
Tooth removal (£10 per tooth) – Offending tooth will be removed by the tried and tested method of string and a door. Ice for numbing is provided free of charge from the freezer.
Filling (£10 per tooth) – Using a soldering iron to melt metal into the cavity providing the perfect filling at a great price. Lead free metal guaranteed!
Gas high (£5 per trip) – Using the knockout gas loved by children and adults everywhere. Organic gas from our supplier in Cornwall. One hour in Kaleidoscope room included for extra enjoyment.
Tooth whitening (£5) – Using the finest paint available form Games Workshop. Skull White will have your teeth shining brightly!
Bad breath cure (£5) – Mouthwash mixed with a scented bleach followed by a pressure washing to clean everything throughly.
Teeth cleaning (£5) – Sand blasted out a pressure washer onto the teeth to remove any and all rubbish on them. Will leave your teeth feeling lovely and smooth.
General checkup (£3) – I have a poke around in your mouth and see if anything is wrong.
Replacement teeth (£10 each) – Hand carved from the finest chicken bones and with soldered into place. 10 year guarantee!
The prices will not rise for the next 5 years! Also there is no VAT to pay as I only take cash as payment. Credit cards and cheques are for hipsters and nuns.
If you are interested in dental treatment from me then please get in contact. I can be be available for appointments 11am – 9pm Monday to Friday with weekend appointments subject to a £5 surcharge as I want to use those days to chill out on gas if possible.